either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
