I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
