im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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