he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize