Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
