You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
