So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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