I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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