if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
