it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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