At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
