I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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