Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Still dying that you shit outside
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
