I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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