im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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