I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
