I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
