I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
