Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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