If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
