i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
