Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
