yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
