He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
