Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
