So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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