No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
