I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
