I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
