We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
