everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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