After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
