you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
