why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
