I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
