I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
