ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
