I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
