Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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