I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
