just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
