Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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