How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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