I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
