the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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