i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
