I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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