In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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