when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I currently don't understand fingers.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
