Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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