omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
