you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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