im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
