3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
