I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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