And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
