I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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