Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
