I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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