I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
