we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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