i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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