if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
