Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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